My Dearest Costco,
Anyone who has visited you more than once can attest to the feeling of jubilation they get as they walk through the doors. They know exactly what to expect, which is why sheer and utter joy is permanently etched on their faces in a half-wonder, half-amazement smile.
As I walk in, you greet me with everything I can’t afford, even with your low prices. Plasma screen TVs, new Apple computers, the latest in your-neck-might-stay-that-way technology, I mean, iPhones. Basically all of the gadgets a Millennial could want, need, or think they want or need, but can’t have. What a tease.
The household appliances stop me, too. For some reason, I find myself thinking, ‘Do we need a new toaster?’ or ‘I bet having a mini fridge would be useful’ or ‘I probably won’t have a house phone in the future, but that one looks pretty legit.’ You draw me in every time, Costco.
The best part about you is your free samples. Sorry, I said it. The best part about you is free. But your all-knowing employees place the samples right next to the baked goods, and I’m lured in even further. Chocolate croissants, lemon pound cake, salted caramel pretzel white chocolate chip swirl cookies (they probably exist) – it’s like you’re begging me to be gluttonous. As soon as I walk into the produce section, with its freezing air blasting me in the face, I think, ‘Is this worth getting a 15-pack of apples?’ And I want to walk right back out to where the chocolate cake is. You’re a smart one, Costco.
You have me buying so many things I don’t need, like a box of 60 Chewy bars with two different flavors. A) I know for a fact I will never want to eat those flavors again after I’m finished, and B) It will take me forever to finish that. But how could I say no? Where else do you find bulk items like these? Sam’s Club? Ha.
If anyone wants to overload on vitamins, you’ve got them covered. If they hate going out to buy laundry detergent, you are only so willing to make it easier for them. The clothing I find questionable at best, but I know a few people who have actually bought a sweatshirt or two (looking at you, mom). I could spend an hour just browsing through the book selection alone.
Costco, you take up so much of my time, and you steal so much of my money. But I continue to come back to you. Even with your long checkout lines; even though I hate that you don’t give me any bags to put my purchases in; I will never let you go. And now that your relationship with AMEX is no longer exclusive, I’m sure you’ll be reeling in new suckers in no time.
Forever and always,
L
The Brandwasher 